Photo credit: Congress PH

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any wilder in the lead-up to Vice President Sara Duterte’s impeachment trial, here comes another twist—this time involving names straight out of a sitcom, a bakeshop, and maybe even your snack stash.

La Union Rep. and Deputy Majority Leader Paolo Ortega V dropped another bombshell in Congress this week, revealing that a slew of suspiciously familiar (and suspiciously sweet) names showed up in the list of supposed beneficiaries of the Office of the Vice President’s ₱500 million confidential funds.

And no, you’re not imagining things—“Mary Grace Piattos” is really on the list. As in the café-slash-snack combo. Ortega jokingly asked, “Kapag ba may confidential funds ang opisina mo, may sweet tooth ka rin?”

But that’s not even the half of it.

Joining “Mary Grace Piattos” are names that sound eerily similar to actual lawmakers: “Beth Revilla,” “Diane Maple Lapid,” “Clarisse Hontiveros,” “Kristine Applegate Estrada,” and “Denise Tanya Escudero.” Yup, it’s like someone threw in a dash of showbiz, a sprinkle of politics, and a pinch of “Contis” into a blender—and called it an official list.

Even “Solon” made it in there, with names like “Kris Solon” and “Paul M. Solon,” echoing that of Sarangani Rep. Steve Chiongbian Solon. Ortega quipped that it seems the so-called “Budol Gang” behind these names didn’t even spare Congress.

“These names don’t just sound fake—they sound made-up on purpose,” Ortega said. “Parang hinugot sa teleserye o menu ng bakery.”

The PSA (Philippine Statistics Authority) seems to agree. Out of 1,992 names submitted by the OVP as confidential fund recipients, 1,322 have no birth records, 1,456 have no marriage records, and 1,593 have no death records. In short: they don’t exist.

Ortega also flagged earlier lists from the Department of Education (DepEd) under VP Duterte’s term, which included names like “Honeylet Camille Sy” and “Fiona Ranitez.” Then there’s “Team Grocery” with entries like “Mico Harina” and “Ralph Josh Bacon,” and “Team Amoy Asim” starring “Amoy Liu” and “Joug De Asim.”

You can’t make this stuff up—except, apparently, someone did.

“The frequency and creativity of these names can’t just be coincidental anymore,” Ortega said. “This might actually be a cover-up disguised as comedy.”

And if these names really were just made-up, then they might be the very evidence that nails the case at the upcoming Senate trial. Ortega says the burden is now on the OVP to prove these people are real.

Former COA Commissioner Heidi Mendoza also weighed in, reminding everyone that even if aliases are used, they must still be traceable to real individuals. “If not,” she warned, “they raise red flags for fraud.”

With the Senate set to open the impeachment trial on June 2, all eyes are now on VP Duterte and her camp. Will they be able to explain away the list of ghost beneficiaries and dessert-inspired names?

Ortega’s closing line sums it up: “When the list includes chichirya, senators, and fictional characters, this isn’t just sloppiness—it looks like a scheme to hide where the people’s money really went.”